


...And Then They Dream Of Love

by Ambrose



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fix-It, Major Character Injury, Multi, Slow Burn, but also fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 17:56:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6205063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambrose/pseuds/Ambrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Costia lives AU no-one asked for</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't exactly plan to write this, it just sort of happened. And then canon happened and I needed something to process it with so I guess this is it. So this is going to more or less follow canon until canon doesn't agree with me anymore.
> 
> many thanks to tveckling for bearing with me while I ramble about this!

Clarke did not fear meeting the Commander, she was too focused on saving her people for that. That guard could make all the threats he wanted, she had not interest in hurting his precious commander. Even if she'd entertained the thought, another would surely take her place.

By the time her eyes got used to the obscurity, she noticed two women on each side of the throne, before her eyes focused solely on the Commander. Indra she recognized, but she wondered for a second who the impassible woman studying her with dark eyes was, even as she tried to look at their leader only. It might be disrespectful to do otherwise – although the guard's warning was still on her mind. She did not really know what she was expecting, but certainly not that. Certainly not a woman as young as herself, looking majestic and fierce and emotionless in warpaint, toying with a dagger. She was glad her mother was not in her place, she would have found a way to insult her – treat her as a child, like she did Clarke, instead of the leader that she was – ally or enemy, time would only determine. When the commander got up from her throne to face her, Clarke could only think of the situation at hand. Clarke recognized something in Lexa, the same harshness and strength she had developed herself by necessity, the same will to protect her own. She needed to win this confrontation of sorts, to show her strength while convincing her that they could join forces. They seemed to find that common ground, because they all followed her to the dropship, and Clarke could only hope that her mother had made it in time to save Lincoln.

 

Ever since the Ice Queen had tried to take advantage of her isolation, Costia refused to stay alone in the tower like some stupid princess awaiting her fate. Wherever Lexa went, she went. It helped with the nightmares, too, being close to her at night.

And so she stood at her side in the commander's tent when the Skaikru leader stormed in and stood up to Lexa as very few people in the Twelve Clans would have. Clarke barely noticed her as she sparred word for word with the Commander, but Costia had all leisure to observe her, her long blonde hair and blue eyes full of concern for her people, and the stance of a leader that would do everything it takes to protect her own. They were so similar, it could only go two ways: either they would become the fiercest allies, or the worst enemies. Costia hoped for Clarke's sake that it would be the former: she may have killed three hundred of their warriors in one strategic move, but more experienced fighters and strategists had tried their luck against Lexa's coalition and had met worse fates than burning down in flames.

Costia rode along with them to the dropship in her capacity as a healer, in spite of her lover's glare, and when they rode back she could tell Lexa was impressed. This girl from the sky had taken a leap of faith, risking everything on this small hope without knowing its outcome, just trusting that her friends would succeed because there was no other way for them. Clarke was a survivor, and she was a force they would have to contend with. And she gave them hope that they might defeat the one remaining threat to the peace Lexa had so relentlessly tried to achieve. But blood must have blood, and this situation was no different.

When she had left, Lexa's jaw was still clenched with the knowledge that she just asked this stranger to prove herself by doing the one thing _she_ couldn't: sacrificing one life dearest to her for the lives of many.

 

That night Costia lay in Lexa's arms under a pile of furs, nuzzled in the crook of her neck as Lexa stared pensively at the cloths of the tent above their heads.

Costia distractedly played with a strand of Lexa's hair. “She intrigues you, doesn't she?” She didn't have to say who she meant.

“And you,” Lexa simply smiled at her.

“She fell from the sky to kill three hundred of our men. And yet she can revive the dead. Who wouldn't be?”

 

She watched as Clarke stabbed her friend to death to avoid him more pain, as she took the risk to compromise their unstable peace for this one compassionate act. Knowing she could have so easily stabbed Lexa instead. Watched as the girl swallowed down a whole bottle of what might well be poison, and neither her nor Lexa could refrain the sudden admiration for that untrained girl who had so much faith in her people, so much trust in the woman whose lover she had just killed.

 

One time Clarke stormed out of a meeting, Lexa soon following. When they came back with a story of how they were attacked by a pauna and survived, Costia couldn't help but hug her, whispering her thanks (Lexa rolled her eyes, but there were no guards around, no-one else to question Lexa's abilities as a leader, and maybe such weakness should not be shown to their new ally, but Costia couldn't care less) and the girl, surprised, took a moment before wrapping her arms around her, hugging her back.

“I was just doing what I needed to do”, she said, but Costia could see from her warm smile that that was not entirely true.

 

Costia followed Clarke into Arkadia to learn from the sky people some of their healing techniques, ignoring Lexa's worried face – they had had that argument, but Costia trusted Clarke if not the others, and she wouldn't pass on the occasion. Lexa was needed elsewhere, but Indra would be there, and Costia could fight for herself, she had made sure of that.

“If they do anything to you, I will kill them one by one myself, peace be damned,” Lexa had growled in the privacy of their room, late the night before. Costia had simply smiled, caressing her face.

“I know you would. You did.”

 

Costia followed her into Arkadia, and as she watched her intently listening to her mother's explanations – she had promised Lexa to stay with her and make sure nothing happened to her, even though she knew Costia would have resented that thought –, Clarke felt that she was, not for the first time, attracted to someone who wasn't hers to have. But she would have lied if she said she did not feel the same pull towards Lexa; if she said she did not want to see for herself what was under her harsh features that attracted the other woman so; if she said she did not want to see her look at herself like she looked at Costia when she left a room; to see more of the selfless concern she had had for her when they were attacked by that giant gorilla.

 

Costia was clenching her teeth at having to bear the presence of Ice Nation warriors – resisting the urge to grab at Lexa's hand, refusing to show any weakness – when Clarke surprised them in TonDC. When Lexa took both their hands to escape from the building and the city that would soon go down in flames, she watched helplessly as the girls argued whether to go back and warn people – but when Clarke ran back and Costia saw that Abby was there, she held Lexa back, pulling her to safety.

“Let her go. She would never forgive you. Or herself.”

 

“You like her,” she observed one night. It was not an accusation, she was just used to saying what Lexa wouldn't express even to her, often annoying her partner in doing so. Maybe she was too perceptive for her own good, as her young Commander would often tell her, but she could see the way Lexa watched Clarke, and this was getting silly.

Lexa did not try to deny it. “I am yours, and you are mine,” she said, the words full of all the love she bore her, of all the pain and sacrifices they had made to have _this_ , and Lexa said it with such strength that she knew, had she ever doubted it, that she would never let her go.

Costia kissed her softly. “I know. But maybe she can be ours too.”

 

She left Clarke and Lexa arguing – she had _told_ her not to try anything against Octavia, but Lex was stubborn like that, and sometimes even she could do nothing about it – for the more constructive occupation of tending to the few TonDC wounded that were still in their army, and when she saw the signal that the acid fog was down she rushed back into their tent only to find them kissing.

She merely grinned at them and quipped that they could have waited for her to be there so she could have her share. Her smile only widened when she saw Clarke blush and look at her feet, while Lexa looked like she was caught red-handed, which she pretty much was, weren't it that they'd agreed to let this carry them wherever it would. She smiled reassuringly at her partner, before moving on to the more pressing matters at hand. They would have all the time to figure this out once the Mountain came down.

 

“I'm sorry, Clarke,” she whispered after Lexa walked off. The girl deserved a better explanation, and if Lexa closed off her heart to avoid the pain of that betrayal, Costia couldn't. And Clarke could not afford to either. “She had to. It was not really a choice, she would have lost her place, her life over this. She wanted to refuse, but the coalition is fragile. And we might have lost all. If there were any other way...” Clarke was having none of this, however. When she yelled at her to leave, tears streaming down her face, Costia obliged. But as she brushed past her, she held her shoulder, forcing her to turn around and look into her eyes. “I hope you can still save your people. I hope you can forgive us one day.”

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and encouragements! <3 I hope you like this new bit!

In Polis, months later, trying to reach out to her in a way Lexa couldn't bear to, Costia found Clarke in the rooms that were given her, hitting the walls in rage, tears of frustration once again running down her cheeks, it was all she could do to apologize and say that when she meant she wished her to forgive, she never wished for her to experience this pain first hand.

 

This woman she barely knew was standing in front of her, trying to offer her sympathy and comfort, and Clarke wished she could hate her, and Lexa, more; wished she did not want to just throw herself in Costia's arms for a comfort she should not be allowed. All she could think of were her words on the Mountain, contrasting Lexa's by their softness, assuring her that she wished for none of this. It would have been so easy to cave in, to burrow into a warm embrace... But Clarke could not afford this. She might crumble at the simplest touch now. And forgiving Costia was one step too close to forgiving Lexa, one step too close to forgiving herself. She could never. Three hundred lives, innocents, kids among them, their bodies distorted by pain. How _could_ she? She could hardly forgive herself for sleeping at night, almost felt guilty when she did not wake up from nightmares.

She snapped instead, finding the smallest reason to get angry at Lexa: "she had you bring me _food_?! So you're her servant now?" It was so much harder to do this, to see the pain in Costia's eyes, but Clarke did not deserve this, she did not deserve anything easy, anything good. Not after what she had done. They did not deserve her kindness either, not after what they'd made her do.

Costia paled, but she snapped back, "I'm no-one's servant, I brought you this because I wanted to. Because I worry. We worry."

"Yeah, well, she should have worried three months ago before leaving me alone to die against the Mountain. It's too late now. You and your food can just go away!" Clarke yelled.

Costia turned back slowly, leaving the plate of food she'd brought in right where it was. "Like I said, I'm no-one's servant. I take orders from no-one." She breathed out, then said in a softer tone, as if she'd decided she was above such a fight: "Lexa and I are equals. She... We both wished you to be our... equal too, before... if there had been any other choice. She's obeying your wish to be left alone but she suffers too. From every friend's death at the Mountain, every innocent life lost at TonDC and since she became Heda. From the knowledge of what her actions forced you to do. Don't pretend it was easy for her. You know like I do that she cares. It's all she's ever been doing all her life. She bears the losses, it's just that she cares for the living more. She'll bear that burden for you if you allow it.”

When she left, Clarke felt even more lonely than she had in the past three months.

 

“How is she?” Lexa asked, tense, when Costia got back to their rooms.

Costia sighed and sat at the edge of their bed. “You should really go and see for yourself.”

“What is that, doctor-patient privilege?” Lexa grinned.

“This is far beyond my capacities as a healer, you know it,” Costia sighed again.

“You generally do a great job at lifting _my_ spirits”, Lexa tried to joke, but she did not feel like it either.

“She won't even talk to me other than to yell.”

Something flared in Lexa's eyes, and catching it Costia amended: “Nothing she's not within her rights to say. She's pissed, as should be expected. And she hates herself. And us. But _you_ need to talk to her, there's nothing more I can do.”

“She spit at me!” Lexa tried to be angry, but her voice wavered. Of course Costia noticed – she always did – and pulled her closer. “If she yells even at you, what makes you think...”

“Nothing. But I think she needs that, if she ever wants to let go.”

“So are you suggesting I let her use me as her punching ball?” Lexa tried not to smile. Trust Costia to come up with that kind of ideas.

“Something like that, yeah.”

 

If Clarke did not spit at her so literally this time, she had enough words to throw at Lexa to make up for it. The Commander didn't expect it to be any different. She would have been surprised, disappointed, maybe, even, had Clarke not tried to put up a fight. She would not be blamed entirely for what she had done, however. She regretted the pain she caused her but she did not regret her action, and she would do it all over again if she had to. To save herself, to save her people. As much as she loved Clarke – she had to admit it to herself – she was not her people. She was not a priority. Yet. That would change, in time, if Lexa had any say in the matter.

It had been a week since Clarke had arrived, a week since she'd asked to be left alone. And in spite of Costia's efforts, she had not relented in her refusal to see her, until Lexa had had just about enough. So they did fight, but at much as it pained Lexa to hear all that Clarke had to say to her, she could feel that Costia had been right. It was something that Clarke needed – something that _they_ needed: as much as they all knew they'd had to act as they did, anger and distrust was still there, and there was no point in letting it fester. Not if she hoped, as she did, to build something more solid with Clarke. For the good of their nations, that is. A political alliance, nothing more. Anything else was probably beyond repair, whatever Costia's hopes on the matter may be.

She let the offer hang in the air, in spite of Clarke's refusal.

 

When she saw Lexa alone next, Clarke pressed a knife to her throat. But then as those eyes stared back at her, she could not bring herself to do it. It wasn't just that she did not hate her as much as she thought, it wasn't that she still felt pulled towards her. But she could not have that blood on her hands. She could not inflict that pain, not just to Lexa – she did not care that she would die herself for her crime, but she refused to bring pain to all those who cared about Lexa, who cared about Clarke herself. The pain she had seen in Jasper after she'd killed everyone in the bunker, after she'd killed Maya who'd helped them and whom he loved. After she'd killed those children. The pain that had made Anya fall to the ground when they'd exited the dropship and she'd been confronted to the ashes of her dead warriors and friends. She could not inflict that pain to Costia. She could not inflict that pain to her mother, and Octavia and Bellamy who still loved her even though she had not seen them in months: she could not let herself be executed and let them suffer because she could not handle the pain anymore. It'd be so much easier. Clarke had never gone the easier way. In her experience, that way always failed.

And Lexa was still in front of her, staring at her, not trying to escape her knife or looking away, even though she probably could have kicked her ass long ago. Leaving herself at Clarke's mercy. Trusting somehow that Clarke would not do this, or accepting her fate if she did. And Clarke refused to show her weakness, refused to let the tears flow – until Lexa apologized and it was all she could do to drop the knife.

She could hardly believe herself when she offered to stay and ally herself with Lexa.

 

They were in the middle of the summit when they were interrupted, and Costia could see the concern in Lexa's eyes as they all took in the news about Mount Weather – another blow to Clarke, lives she could not protect.

She knew it was all Lexa could do not to rush to her. It was all Clarke could do not to seize the closest weapon and go kill the Ice Queen herself. Costia felt helpless, but there was not much she could do for either of them. She was a healer, not a politician and not a fighter, but even she could feel the Ice Queen would have an advantage on them now. Lexa's place would be threatened if the other clans had even the slightest doubts about where her loyalties lied, and that night's creation of a Thirteen Clan had given them just that.

Much the same had happened when Lexa had gone all out against the Ice Nation to save her, and it had been a close call. Lexa's sparing of the Ice Queen, while a gesture for peace, had been seen by many as a sign of weakness. There were whisperings already that Lexa had that same weakness for Clarke, and Costia heard them and could not deny their truth. But whatever would happen, would happen regardless of anyone's feelings. The only way forward was together. The only way forward was for Clarke to trust them. But Lexa knew that, and Costia knew that she would make the right decision, as she did when she suggested the alliance.

When Lexa kneeled down in front of Clarke that night, Costia smiled from the shadows. She was the only other person she'd ever seen Lexa kneel for. And she knew, they all knew, that it was more than a vow of fealty that was spoken between them. More than an effort to mend broken trust. And Clarke's extended hand felt like hope.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

When Costia offered to follow Indra and the men who would protect Skaikru, as a healer and a fighter, Lexa did not stop her.

“Take care of her while I'm away,” she asked Clarke only half jokingly, relishing Lexa's grumblings behind her. “Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.” On an impulse, she kissed her at the corner of her mouth before she disappeared into the rooms she shared with Lexa, leaving a flustered Clarke behind.

 

Of course there was only so much protecting Clarke could do when everyone was seemingly intent on getting rid of her, and the girl herself accepted duels with murderous ice princes, refusing to hear Clarke's pleas. Even when she brought up Costia, which somehow struck the wrong chord with Lexa.

“She would know why I'm doing this. I have no choice. No more than I had on Mount Weather. We do what we have to do to survive.”

At least the boy Lexa introduced as her heir certainly did not seem ready to get rid of her, and that was as much heartwarming as it was terrifying. He must have been barely older than Charlotte was when she died, and he would become their leader? It seemed on Earth everyone had to grow up too soon.

But she refused to think like that. There was no way she would let Lexa die.

 

Of the few ways she could think to protect Lexa, forging an alliance with the Ice Queen to better betray her was not one, but she approved it all the same. She had disregarded her loyalties before, at a dire cost; but no choice was ever easier than this one.

She had imagined the many ways it could end (and losing her life was a price she was willing to pay for Lexa, she realised to her own surprise) but never had she thought it would be with her face covered in a blood that was not hers, a blood darker than night.

As much as she refused to stand around and watch Lexa die, maybe she should stand there to show her she believed she would live. That was not much, but that was all she could do.

Worry gnawed at her stomach when she saw Lexa lying there, Roan looming over her. But maybe she should have had more faith after all, since she avoided the blow at the last second, and got back to her feet in no time, effectively taking over the fight. Still, Clarke couldn't help but hold her breath every time Roan made a move, every time Lexa barely avoided his spear. She felt so helpless, and she could not _stand there_ without doing anything. And yet she had to, and hope that she would not have to watch her die.

A surge of relief coursed through Clarke when Lexa drove her spear into the queen's heart, effectively exerting the revenge she'd promised Clarke. And if she were honest with herself, it was not so much because the queen was dead, but because Lexa was alive. As much as she tried to tell herself it was with the knowledge that it also saved her people, she could not justify entirely the urge, barely contained, to rush to Lexa and hold her close for the fears she'd given her. She could not, of course, not in public like that.

And hours later, when Lexa knocked at her door, wearing in a night gown she should not have been allowed to wear for the sake of Clarke's beating heart, she had to remind herself that she was supposed to be angry at her, not throw herself in her arms out of relief.

When she asked “Is this _I told you so_?” and Lexa thanked her instead, she had to fight the urge even more.

It's without thinking that she took her wounded hand in hers, instincts grown out of caring for her friends – _her people –_ for months taking over before she could realise what she was doing, and she simply offered to change the bandage. Surprisingly, Lexa did not protest. Coming to sit next to her, she noticed how sheepish Lexa looked, but she was sure that even so, even in the privacy of Clarke's apartment, even if she was wearing the least Heda-like clothes she had ever seen her in – not that she did not look regal, with her hair loose and those cheekbones of hers and this damn dress that revealed way too much skin for Clarke to effectively focus on anything else – Clarke doubted she would concede to talk about her own feelings. So Clarke chose instead to ask the questions she had wondered about since Lexa had won, trying to distract herself and Lexa from what she was doing; trying to work as gingerly and efficiently as she could.

She had to repress a smile when it took less than a minute for the talk to focus on the probability of Lexa's death. She knew Lexa was still at a strong risk, and political pressures could not be ignored, but she felt giddy after Lexa's victory, and she would ignore that now, focusing on the present quiet, and the fact that, although injured, Lexa could be here beside her, and they could talk so easily – so far from the tension of the previous weeks. Even when the discussion took a more political turn, she did not tense, and she knew she could not hold the past against Lexa anymore. She had done as Clarke would have. And if she were frank with herself, she would say she felt betrayed as much for herself as for her people. She took it personally not just because Lexa signed her friends' deaths when she abandoned her on the mountain, but because she had trusted her wholeheartedly, she had subconsciously put hope into _them_ , into Costia's small smile and a kiss in a dark tent. But Lexa was a leader before anything, and no matter how much it hurt, she could not put her personal feelings in front of the safety of her people. But she knew that now, and with that in mind...

Her thoughts were interrupted by the distinctive noise of a talkie walkie turning on.

“Clarke?” her mother's voice echoed in the room, making Lexa jump up and look around.

Clarke smiled as the sight, but she'd noticed her mother's worried voice and rushed to take the talkie Abby had given her before she left the city. She quickly sat back next to Lexa.

“Mom? Something wrong?” she asked, pressing the button. “I'm with Lexa,” she thought to add, in case her mother wanted to discuss something sensitive.

“Good. We have a problem. Pike was just elected chancellor. Markus is instating him as we speak. He wants to kill the warriors that are here to protect us, Clarke. And he's elected, my hands are tied.”

But Clarke had stopped listening, her eyes meeting Lexa's, who had gone pale and was holding onto Clarke's hand so hard she would have winced had she not been otherwise preoccupied.

“Costia,” they both said at once.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Lexa jumped to her feet and started pacing. “If they so much as lay a hand on her they'll wish they'd never been born,” she growled, and Clarke couldn't agree more. Her people or not, she would not try and stop Lexa if they'd hurt Costia. Hell, she might even give a hand.

“Clarke? Clarke, you're still there?” Abby's voice brought them back to reality. Clarke was still looking up at Lexa when she acquiesced, her voice sounding slightly hollow.

“Whoever you're worrying for, they're okay,” Abby continued, and the tension in Lexa's shoulders visibly dissipated, while Clarke could suddenly breathe better.

“I warned Indra - good thing Marcus gave her a talkie too! They'll be gone by the time those idiots gear up and go after them.”

“Doesn't sound like Indra,” Lexa commented, as neutral as she could, sitting back next to Clarke and resisting the urge to bend closer to the strange device, still not quite sure how it worked.

“She did say she could not promise to leave anyone unharmed if they got too close. But she's following your order to protect us, so far as I can tell.”

“For all the good it did,” Lexa snapped.

“I know. That's why I'm calling. I don't know what's going on in Polis and what your politics are, but you need to do something. You need to intervene.”

“We were going to bring you back the Ice Queen's body!” Lexa had grabbed the talkie. Her tone was as sharp as when she got into arguments with her advisors, and Clarke could see she had reverted back to the leader she was in front of strangers. She was glad it was not directed at her. “We were bringing you justice. I risked a lot for this! And not a week after you pass that alliance with me your people turn around and elect to kill the army sent to _protect you_? I should have you all executed. That's what everyone will tell me to do. That's what any other commander would do.”

“You killed the Ice Queen, not the Ice people,” Clarke remarked softly. “My people are still wary of yours. They don't know you. We need to stop Pike, but the next person they'll elect will be just the same if we don't make them trust us.”

“And you're gonna tell me I can't get them to trust me if I try to execute everyone?” Lexa said in a biting tone, like Clarke had taken her for a child.

“You'd have to kill me too, then. And what happened to fealty?” She tried to keep her calm, quite certain that Lexa did not mean it. But she had to make sure. “What happened to doing what's good for _your_ people? You know mine won't go down without a fight. We've proved that since we landed. Yours will get hurt.”

She wasn't quite sure what she read on Lexa's face, but it seemed like a mixture of pride and assurance. It was clear that she'd come to a decision, however, since she called back to Abby: “We're putting an end to this. We're marching to your camp.” She went on before Abby could interrupt: “We'll bring you the dead queen as proof of our word and the sincerity of our alliance, and you'll be left to deal your own justice to this Pike guy. Provided he has not managed to hurt anyone. You _will_ stay in your camp until this is settled, I trust you to make sure of that. Or there will be blood.” She paused for a moment, and Clarke thought that she was done, but then she added, with more fire than ever: “But if anything happened to Costia, not the spirits of all the commanders before me will prevent me from ripping his heart out!”

Then, Lexa was gone in a flurry of skirts, leaving Clarke to finish the conversation with her mother, who was anyway in a hurry to get back to her people. As soon as she was outside, she called – more like shouted – for Titus. He wouldn't be pleased to be bothered so late, even though he was probably in one of his weird rituals rather than sleeping: she did not think that man ever slept. When he showed up in her throne room minutes later, looking passably grumpy and clearly wondering why she was standing there in her nightgown, she did not bother with explanation.

“Gather everyone we have at the ready. We're marching towards the Skaikru camp, to meet Indra's forces.”

Of course he had to ask all kinds of questions, which she dealt with quickly, ignoring his judging looks. No matter how good of an advisor he was for politics, she had been Commander for years now, and he had never really agreed with her attempts are reforms. And if there was one thing he did not understand, it was her heart. This had nothing to do with her feelings for Costia _or_ Clarke, whatever he tried to say. This was about peace. And reaching for peace did not make her weak, no more than love did.

She gave her last orders to make sure that everything would be ready for a departure early the next day, and retired to her apartments. She would need sleep, and there would be little time for that before she had to get ready. She'd be damned if the Commander did not ride at the front of her troops, even if it was just on a peace mission.

But as she reached her door, she realised she'd forgotten something. She could not really go away like that, leaving Clarke in the dark as to her intentions. She _had_ promised her her loyalty, after all. And much more than that, at least in her own mind, even if Clarke did not seem to return her feelings. Costia would mock her for her silliness, she was sure. She smiled as she pictured her lover admonishing her for her hesitancy, as she knocked on Clarke's door once again.

 

Lexa had been Commander for a few years when they had met, on one of the Heda's diplomatic missions. Costia had always found it endearing how shy Lexa became when it came to personal relationships, when she was this fierce leader to the outside world; to anyone who did not take her heart.

Costia was the one who had practically courted her, who had first kissed her, who had fought against years of learning that love was weakness, to prove to her that this could only make her more whole, make her stronger. How many times had she told Lexa this, how many times Lexa had sneered, but knew deep down that she was right. It did not matter anyway. Costia had her heart and there was no point fighting this. And when she was taken away from her by the Ice Queen, she had found that love did give her strength, the strength to fight more fiercely than ever for people she would protect with her life. Something she did before for her people without thinking about it, but enhanced and focused on this one small woman she was lucky enough to call hers.

Costia was the one who had brought all her walls down, and she hated herself for falling for that sky girl she barely knew, but here again it was Costia who had made her talk about it, to see behind the shame towards a future where they could be happy all three together (if there was such a thing for a Commander) and she once again thanked the spirits of her ancestors that she was blessed with such a precious, understanding life companion. That was worth all the teasing in the world.

There was only one thing she could ever tease Costia about, it was her love of candles. She had found herself lighting them whenever Costia wasn't there, however, to ward off the cold that set in her bones when she could not see her whenever she wished to - ever since Costia had been taken away from her that one time, she could not shake the thought that each time she watched her leave, it might be the last.

 

Clarke finally opened the door, pulling her from her thoughts.

"Sorry, my mom... I was still talking to her. She was worried..." Clarke trailed off. "Are you alright?"

From the worry distinct in her voice, Lexa guessed that she had let her emotions get the better of her. But this was Clarke, after all, and she did not need to pretend with her.

"I was... reminiscing."

Clarke's smile was soft as she made way for her to come in once again. "You're worried about Costia." It was not even a question, and so Lexa simply nodded.

"Whenever she leaves, now," Lexa said, trying not to sound too affected. She sat again right where she was before Clarke's mother had... "called" was the word Clarke had used, she believed. Clarke stared at her with that intense look she had sometimes, like she was trying to decipher Lexa. Finally she sat down next to her, and took her hand in hers, even though there was no bandage to be changed this time.

"Something happened, didn't it?" When Lexa did not answer, she went on. "I've seen how Costia reacted to Ice people. And yourself. You've said they hadn't joined your troupes in a long time, when we were in TonDC." She hesitated. "You don't have to tell me but... I understand your worry."

Lexa tried to repress the thought that came next. This was her weakness. Even if Costia made her strong, she was also the one person she would risk everything for. Even years of hearing that love was not weakness could not make this feeling come back every time that Costia was away and she did not feel whole again. And that Clarke was there made her feel less empty, but that only scared her more.

Clarke must have taken her silence, or her confused expression, for something else, because she held her unhurt hand tighter in hers. "She'll be alright. She's like you, she's a survivor."

Lexa couldn't repress the hint of a smile. "You have no idea."

Clarke smiled back at her, and Lexa was glad that they had reached this sort of truce. She was practically sure she had her trust back – but for how long? What if the death of the Ice Queen was not enough to calm her people? What if she had to fight them again? Would Clarke really trust her after that?

"So, what's the plan?" Clarke finally asked.

"We're riding at dawn."

Lexa spent the next hour or so explaining her plan, Clarke only interrupting her once in a while to enquire about a detail or suggest an alternative. Lexa try to make it clear that she sought her approval, that she would not do anything to harm her people unless strictly necessary, and Clarke seemed to understand, to be willing to join forces on this one. With a bit of experience she would be a great strategist, Lexa reflected. She was already a great leader.

If Clarke caught her staring at her a bit too intently, she did not say anything.

Finally, all was laid out and there was nothing more to say – or too much left unsaid, but too little time, and Clarke was yawning, and Lexa felt that it was not the time to discuss feelings, not when all she could think about was to make sure Costia was safe.

"Good night, Clarke," she smiled at her, and Clarke walked her to the door, apparently realising only then that she was still holding her hand, and let go. Lexa tried to tell herself the cold that seemed to seep through her skin was just a physical reaction. She felt the solitude much more keenly when she reached her empty apartments, the bed she shared with Costia feeling now colder than it had since she left. Now that the Mountain Men had been destroyed, and that the shadow of the Ice Queen was gone from their life, she had hoped against hope that they would be able to leave peacefully at last, but that was not to happen. She sighed, chasing the thought from her mind. Costia knew how to fight; and besides, she had Indra with her. She would be perfectly fine, and Lexa would see her the very next day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter took me longer to write, sorry about that! I hope you like it all the same, and please leave comments, they make my day!   
> (and yes, I am fixing this talkie walkie plothole. it irked me so much)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did NOT mean to disappear for three months, I am so sorry about that! life and writer's block kept getting in the way! But I'm definitely not giving up on this fic!

Apparently Abby's warnings that the Ice Nation queen had paid for the blood shed and that any more violent act would be taken as a direct offense to the Commander and a declaration of war had not stopped their new leader from going forward with his plan, as Lexa and Clarke's contingent was met some way away from Arkadia by Indra's scouts who led them to the small army. The two men were definitely on edge, and Lexa had to refrain from asking questions and followed them silently instead, leaving her own forces behind with orders to circle around the camp to check on the nearby villages and enforce a distant blockade.

Everything around them was forest, but even so, Clarke soon recognized her surroundings, and they finally reached the dropship, which Indra must have considered a better defensible position than most, considering a bunch of kids survived there against the best Trikru warriors. Or maybe it was just that it offered shelter where people wouldn't look for them, as by now Arkadia must be wondering what happened to their men, and would start sending search parties soon enough.

There were much fewer warriors in sight than Clarke had expected, but she knew from experience that a lot of them would be hiding in the trees, standing guard. Even so, it seemed that a lot were wounded in the attacks, as she could see Nyko rushing between people lying down in the protection of the dropship. Lexa had noticed too, and Clarke could see her search the crowd for a familiar face. Clarke too worried for Costia, who was nowhere in sight, but seeing the wounded she couldn't help thinking what would have happened had they not been warned in time, and she was too overwhelmed by the thought for any other emotion to take over.

When Indra came to them, she too saw the tension in her Commander, as she reassured her directly that Costia barely had a scratch, and was helping with the wounded at the back of the ship, as she refused to just wait idly. Indra did not, however, address the flagrant relief that washed over both Heda and Wanheda, and went directly to the more pressing political matters at hand.

She explained that they were keeping the prisoners on the top tier of the ship, taking inspiration from Clarke and her band. They seemed to have the leader, one man named Pike, and, to Clarke's greater surprise, Bellamy. With Clarke and Lexa's warning, they had managed to ambush them, and only a few of Indra's warrior were wounded by their guns before they captured the Arkers, but she suspected that, if he had so many loyal men that he could get elected, _someone_ was bound to come and look for them, with reinforcements. And there was the question of what to do with the prisoners. If Clarke protested that all Arkers should not be held accountable for the acts of a few, they did elect Pike, as Lexa pointed out, and there would have to be an example. If their new rulers had no qualms exterminating their allies, they'd have to be considered the enemies of the Coalition.

Eventually, to avoid a lengthy argument in front of her men, Lexa promised to discuss this once they had a better plan of defense and made contact with the Ark for parlays, since Clarke could clearly no longer represent them. Clarke did suggest going herself, but since there was no emergency, the Commander refused to put her in harm's way. _I've already done it with Costia more times than I wished_ , she thought, and was surprised by her own comparison.

Clarke made a face, and she could tell there would be an argument later, but since Indra was to the point, she seemed to let it go. For now. Marching briefly through the re-fortified camp, Indra walked them through the new defenses, and they discussed a plan to make the blockade more efficient. They also had to account for the fact that Lincoln – kill order or no – was still inside, along with sick Grounders who might be used against them. Accordingly, Lexa ordered instead that everyone who tried to go through the blockade should be taken prisoner and brought to her, not killed. She would not lose any more of her people, for stupid mistakes at that.

Thankfully, Indra was a competent general, and so there really was not much to say about her plan so long as they stayed in a defensive position; they were soon done. Which was a relief for Lexa, who wondered if she was doing such a good job as she thought of hiding her impatience to see Costia: when she suggested they go see the wounded, Clarke chided her with something of the vein of “do you want me to give a hand or are you just really in a hurry to see her?” But there was a playful smile on her lips, so Lexa refrained from saying anything, and smiled back instead. Yes, of course, she could not wait! Was there any point in hiding it? If this was her weakness, as some would say, then so be it. Costia was safe, her people was safe for now, why would she hide her happiness? She surprised herself yet again, as Costia was more bound to tell her that, than she to think it. Maybe it was just her proximity that made her all optimistic again, after their time apart had allowed her dark thoughts to settle in again. Maybe it was the words she'd said the night before she left, her thinking that Clarke was starting to forgive her – of which Lexa was more and more sure every passing day now – and the promise that they'd figure things out when she got back. She had doubted since the first time Costia suggested it that such a thing would ever happen – that the two of them and Clarke could find happiness together – and even more so after Mount Weather, but Costia's faith was enough to make her think it possible.

When she entered the dropship and saw her, though, there was no place for anything but Costia in her mind.

 

Costia had locks of hair clinging to her forehead, sweaty and bloody from running around helping people, and yet she was still incredibly beautiful. That was what Clarke first thought, how this woman could be in such a state and be so gorgeous at the same time, but then she and Lexa were hugging, and kissing, and Clarke suddenly felt very self-conscious, and didn't know what to do with herself.

She shook herself, and decided to give a hand with the wounded, so as not to intrude on their privacy, but before she could really do anything, Costia came to her and pulled her into a hug too.

“You kept her safe,” she whispered, before kissing her cheek as she had done before she left, and Clarke felt something stuck in her throat. She did not do much to keep Lexa safe, and Costia's gratitude was more than she could handle, but she was also incredibly glad that she was still alive too, and she did not want this hug to end. And it wasn't just that she was starved for contact after months living alone in the forest, she admitted to herself. She felt safe here, as she rarely did.

Looking over Costia's shoulder, she saw Lexa standing mere feet away, a benevolent smile on her face. She'd have beckoned her to join them, but she suspected that the Great Commander would object to something so silly in front of her men.

Eventually, they pulled away, Costia going back to Lexa's side and taking her hand. Clarke tried to ignore the pinch of jealousy in her stomach. She had no right to be jealous of them, and whatever had happened between her and Lexa in that tent before Mount Weather, whatever she took for flirting on Costia's part, whatever she felt – she'd have to suck it up and ignore it, because clearly they were happy together, and she had no place with them.

But then they smiled back at her, and Costia asked her to help her with the wounded while Lexa went back to her warriors and tried to set up a war council of sorts, and as she busied herself Clarke forgot about her anxieties for the time being.

 


	6. Chapter 6

The most urgent wounds were taken care of, and Clarke soon had convinced Lexa to let her interrogate their captives. Some of Lexa's men had protested, but their objections, while listened to, were soon ignored by the Commander. Clarke wanted to know as much as anyone else what the hell they thought they were doing by attacking their allies, and a familiar face might be of help. Both Clarke and Lexa hoped that Bellamy at least would agree to talk to her, since they had lead the Hundred together and parted as friends.

Bellamy, however, turned out not to be the honest, loyal friend Clarke made him out to be – not that Lexa has any expectations from a man who would kill his allies without hesitating – and when he started blaming Clarke for his own mistakes, she struggled with herself not to cut this interrogation short by slicing his throat. Costia would have probably remarked that killing her friends, no matter how despicable they were, was not an efficient way to woe a girl, but they were way past that. But how _dare he_ accuse Clarke, who'd only been trying to recover from an act she never should have had to commit, who never asked to command in the first place, though Lexa honestly thought she was made for it. How _dare he_ accuse her when all she ever did was to protect her people, down to the past few days, and in spite of her own needs.

He wasn't the Bellamy she'd heard about when they fought against Mount Weather together. He'd never seemed the kind to kill so many allies and innocents in cold blood. Then again, he _had,_ but so had Clarke, and she would have given him the benefit of the doubt, as she would have done the same. That was for his people. This was madness. It was clear to Lexa now how he took charge from the first because he got off on power, when Clarke just wanted to the best for others. She remembered Clarke saying it was for Octavia, but it seemed he was not the Bellamy Clarke knew either. But it wasn't for her to fix him.

“Oh, it's my fault now!”, Clarke interrupted his whining and Lexa's line of thought. “Sure, I left. You agreed to it! Not that I needed your permission, but you supported me! You had a Chancellor, you had the others, O was safe, I didn't abandon you! And then I secured these warriors to _protect you_! We were bringing you revenge, the Ice Queen's body – what the hell do you think I was doing staying in Polis?!”

When he implied rather rudely that all she was there for was sleeping with Lexa, the Commander would have hit him were it not for Clarke's hand on her arm and her “let me handle it.”

She was pale with rage and gritting her teeth when she said, “I am done apologizing for myself. I am not responsible for you, Bellamy! I did not vote for Pike, or trust him with guns to hunt down our allies! I'm sorry for Gina and the others but that was the Ice Nation. And damnit,you're intelligent enough, don't you even remember the size of the Coalition army when we had it at our door because of Finn? What did you think would happen? D'you think killing a few would help you get peace, of all things? Or did you think you'd kill every last one of them when it came down to it. I'm not the one to blame if you lost your brain down at Mount Weather.”

She stormed out without another look. Lexa on the other hand studied him a moment before joining Clarke outside. He did have the good grace to look pitiful, but that wasn't helping her decision-making.

 

She caught up with Clarke at the limit of their camp, staring into the distance with her back to her.

“Clarke.”

“Leave me alone a moment, please.”

Lexa could hear her voice waver – she must be that close to tears, and Lexa wanted to do something about it, to soothe her pain; but she was not welcome. Hell, she was responsible for that pain.

“As you wish.” She was about to turn back when she felt she had to add: “I'm sorry I put you through this. He had no right to say this. You do what you can, your people's mistakes are not your fault.”

“What if they are.” Clarke partly turned towards her, and her cheeks glistened with tears. Yet Lexa could not rush to her, hug her (as Costia would so easily do), offer her the comfort she deserved. Not here, not among all these warriors who needed, expected, her constant show of strength. She never hated her role more than in this instant. She moved to stand next to her instead, her hand barely brushing with Clarke's but still there.

“I've seen how your mother looks at me. No matter our victories, she thinks we're too young to lead. What would the others have thought of you? Would you have had any say, and not just among the friends you saved?”

“I'm not even sure _they_ don't hate me.”

“Then you would have been of no use there. And you needed the time before you could go back. _You_ 're the one who's fixing their mistakes, Clarke!”

 

Clarke did not have time to answer, as they were interrupted by Costia. Sensing something was wrong, she lightly put a hand on Clarke's shoulder for comfort, even as she was seemingly all business, addressing Lexa: “Octavia's arrived. She was sent by Abby, we still have no news of an official envoy or anything...”

“Good, I will see her directly.”

Clarke, of course, followed her, not giving time to Costia to ask her what happened. She had to know what the situation was, she had to see Octavia... even though the girl would probably be mad at her, too. And most of all, she needed to regain a semblance of dignity, and talking to Costia, with her neverending kindness, might just shatter what was left of her countenance.

Once they got past Octavia's anger (turned on Bellamy and the rest, contrary to Clarke's expectations. She hadn't been aware, of course, that Lincoln and the others were imprisoned like enemies), they had a closed quarters meeting – only them and Indra – to discuss the possible solutions that would not, of course, make the whole skaikru hate them, as Lexa's objective, unlike others', wasn't genocide. When a plan that convinced them all had been settled on, Octavia went back to her people. Although she clearly refused to consider her people anymore, and this time was not even defending her brother, who she'd refused to see. After all she'd been through, she knew full well what Sky people were really capable of, and this was far from surprising her, although that did not reduce her anger. That, on the whole, seemed to put her on Indra's good side again. Clarke suspected the older warrior only ever dismissed Octavia as her second so she could help her brother and her friends, which she needed to live with herself.

Followed a day of pacing for Clarke, which was not without reminding Lexa of that time they were in her tent and Clarke was so anxious about the upcoming battle. But this time they were facing her own people, instead of defending them, and there was no telling what Clarke was thinking, and there was no calming her. Even when Costia made her sit down and eat and drink something.

But eventually, Octavia came back with an agreement: Abby had convinced the others that having the Coalition army stand in front of their camp again, with no ultimatum this time, would be their ruin. They did not want to leave the area, where they had comfortably settled in the past few months. And they may still be angry at the Grounders, but the Ice Queen was dead, they were granted revenge; they had no excuse for what had happened once faced with the Grounders' integrity. If they did not trust them yet, they had no other way than to comply. And so, it was agreed that the prisoners would be exchanged for the Grounders that were still at the Ark, with the simple condition that Pike would stay in the custody of the Commander while they set up a trial that duly accounts for his attempted mass murder, and the Arkers would have to elect a new Chancellor and join the Coalition again. It was all good on the paper, but having dealt with the Azgeda, they all knew very well that coercing them into an alliance would bring its own troubles. But that was a problem for another day. For now, they could all relax for a short time, enjoy each other's company with relatively little pressure, and wait to execute the next step of what was, possibly, the road to peace.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm once again very sorry for the awful delay, I was so sure I could finish this fic during the summer holidays, but then things got hectic... But I know for sure where this is going now, so hopefully next chapter should take much less time! Also sorry for the relatively little amount of ship thing in this chapter, I do want to deal with that plot, and I think they need time to grow close anyways, but I can imagine some of you are growing impatient by now ^^


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more plot happens, and Clarke figures certain things out.

Soon enough they were back in Polis, Lexa trusting that Indra and her other generals could handle the situation while the Sky People were setting up a new election. If the Skaikru felt any displeasure, none of them tried to intervene or attack. It seemed Lexa's forces and her threat were a strong enough deterrent. So, while they awaited the news of the newly elected chancellor – whose election Clarke had declined to supervise, feeling she was not enough Skaikru anymore – they had time for some well-deserved rest, in the safety of the Polis tower. 

And so Clarke found herself drawing a Lexa asleep on Costia's lap, while the two healers talked in whispers so as not to wake her up. It was a scene of quiet and intimacy Clarke felt she was intruding upon. It was hard to focus on her movements, on committing Lexa's and Costia's perfect features to paper, especially when she was so troubled by the goings-on inside her mind. What was she _thinking_  falling for not one, but two of the most powerful women in this world. _The_ most powerful women. Standing there in one of the top floors of a tower that stood beyond reason. 

In fact, against all reason, the world seemed to revolve around these women, and somehow, before she could prevent herself, Clarke had fallen victim to that pull. It would have been a sweet kind of pain, a pain she would have gladly given in to, were they not so obviously, painstakingly together. Both Costia and Lexa were more than willing to provide her with comfort, even intimacy, and maybe it was a case of different customs, but Clarke couldn't help it. She had to get the most of it, she had to stay, to help them, to give as much as she received - knowing very well that at the end of the line, she would never get as much as she wanted to give. And they must not see what effect they had on her, or they would not take advantage like that - it had taken her time to trust Lexa again, but she knew that much about her, she was faithful, and she loved Costia beyond words. The love these two bore each other, in fact,  would often give Clarke the impression that her heart would melt, or perhaps break. She should be content that they had each other and were happy. But she could not. And even in an utopic world where their peoples were no longer at war, even in such a world where they owed nothing to their peoples anymore, there would be no world where Clarke Griffin has a place in their lives as they did in each other's. If they had said _things_  they probably did not mean them to the extent Clarke wished to believe... and she could not afford such delusions. The Finn fiasco had given her enough heartache for a lifetime.

"What is it?" Costia whispered, concern clear in her voice. 

"Hm?" 

Clarke looked up, trying to act like she hadn't just stopped in the middle of their discussion, like a storm wasn't going on inside her head. 

"You drifted off... Are you okay? Worried for your people?"

Clarke's eyes went from Costia to Lexa's sleepy figure. She shortly considered telling her everything - surely Costia would understand - but soon decided against it. They couldn't afford to let their private life come first. So she used the way out Costia was so kindly giving her.

"Well, at this stage I can't really say I trust they'll make the right decision, can I?"

"Maybe they'll finally see that we're not the enemy."

"I doubt that... Octavia will make a case for us - hopefully Lincoln and your men will be freed - but I wouldn't count on better than a kind of cold war between our clans. No, we won't be done with that just yet."

"Well, there's nothing we can do for now... I've got to tell you the same thing I always tell Lexa, you need to take time for yourself. You're not just the head of your people you know—" 

"I'm not even that," Clarke let out, looking at her feet.

"I _mean_ , you need to let go of your responsibilities for a while, sometimes. You can't save the whole world. You just can't. You do what you can, and sometimes, that starts with taking care of yourself. You've got to be a bit selfish sometimes."

Before Clarke could answer, Lexa startled awake. 

"I mean it." Costia insisted, her eyes boring into Clarke's as if she could read her like an open book, before she snapped her attention back to Lexa. Again, Clarke felt like she was intruding, as Costia comforted Lexa from the nightmare she just had - but when Lexa threw her a pleading look, Clarke went to sit on the other side of her, a hand on her thigh to try and calm her down. 

Clarke did not really believe that the previous Commanders were talking to Lexa in her sleep, but _she_  clearly believed in it, and no omen of death was to be taken lightly. Still, Lexa had done nothing wrong, they had acted quickly enough, only a few were wounded and a revenge for them would come with the Skaikru's verdict on Pike and the rest. The past Commanders' warning felt out of tune with how content Lexa  seemed with her foreign politics. She suddenly feared that things would go awry, or that her own people would rebel again, spurred by Nia's attempt and not discouraged by her death, and disappointed in Lexa's lax judgements, on multiple occasions, towards the Skaikru. 

Clarke would have easily written that off as Lexa overworking herself and a translation of anxieties she wouldn't talk about, but Costia, the real healer of the two, didn't seem so convinced. They both really did believe in this whole ancestral legacy... She'd have to ask about it, but now was not the time. After a few moments of talking Lexa through it, they agreed that she should speak to her people - gauge any resentment and try to appease them. If she was willing to understand the Skaikru needed time to trust them and understand Grounder customs, her people may not be so enclined after the deaths they'd suffered at their hands since the first hundred of them crashed. But they all believed in Lexa, she had been chosen by the spirits of the former Commanders, she if anyone should be able to convince them. 

By then, her breathing had gone back to normal, when all three of them were startled by a knock on the door. 

Titus came in, followed by Lexa's guards, two of them carrying a crate between them. 

"Pardon me, Heda, I didn't realise you were busy," Titus noted with a sharp look at Costia and Clarke.  Costia shot him back a defiant look. So it wasn't just her the old man didn't like, Clarke noted. Clearly these two were at odds, but Clarke would bet Costia was the one with the upper hand. More sympathetic with Lexa, a better support to her but still a wise counsellor who didn't shy from saying the truth, better support amongst the people too, as a popular healer. But the politics of Polis seemed about as complex as that of the Ark, and she had no doubt the Flamekeeper had his own circles of influence. 

"Are you going to tell me what's in the box or not?" Lexa asked, ignoring Titus's silent and unabating disapproval of the company she kept.

"A gift from King Roan, Heda", Titus announced. "For Wanheda. As a proof of loyalty to the coalition, and as an answer..."

Seeing their questioning looks, he ordered the guards to open up the crate, and a foul smell came out, before a body rolled on the floor. Scrunching up his nose, one of the guards turned the corpse around to reveal his face. At this stage, there was no point in checking for vitals. His throat was cut deep, and his face bore the marks of Ice Nation ritual killings. 

"Emerson", Clarke realised. "So that's how they knew about the self-destruct mechanism..."

She did not know how to feel. This man had killed so many of her people, and his actions before had led her to commit acts that still woke her up at night. And yet, seeing his body... "Jus drein jus daun", the Grounders said, but his blood brought her no satisfaction. It would not bring anyone back. It would not fix her own actions.

"He will no longer be an issue", Costia whispered as she wrapped an arm around Clarke's shoulders. She silently nodded her thanks towards the healer, looking at Lexa for guidance. And pointedly not looking at the corpse leaking out on the floor. She had seen enough of those for a lifetime - and it was mere wishful thinking to hope she never would have to see one again.

"Can we send him to my people, _Heda_? It would be more proof of the Coalition's good faith."

She thought Titus's head would explode. "Heda, we've shown enough kindness to these barbarians, anything more would be—"

"This was a gift for Wanheda," Costia pointed out with a wry smile, her tone as calm and agreeable as usual. Oh she clearly _had_  the upper hand on him, and judging by the look he shot her _again_ , he hated every instant he had to spend in her presence.

"And I will not hear anything about Skaikru in such terms, Titus." Lexa definitely had on her _Heda_  voice as she stared right at her counsellor. "Clarke is our guest. You will respect her as you respect me."

Titus was not the only one to gasp, the guards did so too. And Clarke realised, if it had been clear between them for a while, no-one had ever seen her as Lexa's equal before. She had been the enemy, the ally without an army who needed their help. Even Wanheda was a fugitive, before she became a subject. She may have been her people's leader, but they were part of Lexa's coalition. No-one knew of Lexa's swearing fealty to her. Now Skaikru was the enemy to beat down, and yet Lexa treated her with the respect given to an equal. An foreign ally's equally powerful chief, even if they both knew she had no control over her people. What is more, that she asked her guards to treat her with the same respect... Only Costia had that honour. She was given a unique place beside them. Just like a consort. 

"Send the body with a messenger," Lexa finished, ignoring their behaviour. 

As the guards bowed and left them alone, Clarke was left with that thought. They treated her like a consort. What she should make of it  she had no idea, and if there was any kind of misunderstanding between them - she felt like she was using them, clinging to them and the perfect, almost symbiotic relationship she'd never have, but when she looked back on the past months, she had to admit... She should give herself some credit for knowing Grounder customs, having had "experience" with Niylah and having seen Octavia's relationship with Lincoln grow, and if they usually were more forward than that (did a kiss count? did Costia's words count? were they letting her set her own pace or was it just that the duty not to endanger political matters with their personal life took over?) Grounders, so far as she knew, did not lead people on. Trikru people had ethics, and surely by now the two women should have an inkling of Clarke's feelings. 

Still, she did not know why they treated her so. Was it pity? Was it, precisely, not to hurt her feelings and their already fragile political stance? Because whatever their _own_  feelings, they were already an item; there was no place for Clarke there. 

The wise thing to do might have been to move on, to put an end to all of this, to withdraw until she could recover and be able to maintain the distance proper to  _friends._ She would only hurt herself more down the line, she knew. And hurt them too, if what she suspected was right. She really did not want for that to happen, and yet...

And yet, she did not want to. Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was self-destructive, but in the words of a wise woman she knew, you've got to be a bit selfish sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to all of you who comment and leave kudos, I love it! 
> 
> I'm again very sorry this is taking me such a long time to write, but I'm making it a personal goal to finish this fic before November and Nanowrimo start (come say hi to me on tumblr at @ghost-hermione in november and send me prompts, I'll be trying to write 50k's worth of short fics based on them!) so hopefully more updates coming veeery soon!


	8. Chapter 8

The next day, Octavia showed up in Polis, and got Titus scolded by Lexa for manhandling her into the throne room. Hearing Lexa call her an "emissary of her people" and a "trusted ally" made Clarke smile with pride and joy, thinking back to when they were still arguing about killing her. At least some things changed. 

The news from Arkadia were that they'd half-heartedly agreed to the Commander's conditions. The hostages had been freed; Lincoln was making sure they all got safely out of the blockade and to different healers who'd be able to treat them. Maybe not as well as Abby could have, but they'd be treated humanely, there, at least. Octavia had left him to rush to Polis, wanting to talk to Lexa personally about the state of Arkadia. She did not quite trust her soldiers not to make a rash decision if she'd passed it on through them.

Of course Pike still had supporters, who defended him, and saw the past events, and Lexa's imposing her justice on them, as proof that he was right. But the bodies of Emerson and Nia had softened a lot of those who'd been angry at the Grounders for the explosion at Mount Weather. When it came to light that Pike had plans to raze surrounding villages, killing everyone, children and elderlies included, they'd started being ill-at-ease. Only a few now really supported him, and tried to spread the word that Nia and Emerson had only been scapegoats to Lexa's machinations. Still, they were a danger. Octavia was not about to forget that such a few people had been enough to convince everyone to vote for Pike in the first place. And the trial hadn't started yet. They requested that Pike be present to defend himself, and as Lexa would not free him, the trial would have to take place on neutral ground, in the presence of Grounder guards to escort him, which they'd use to say their justice was being pressured. And might use to target Grounders, or even Lexa directly, if she went herself. They weren't out of the woods yet. 

Of course Titus used Octavia's words to press for Lexa to take action. Octavia openly rolled her eyes, and ignored it to stare straight at Lexa. "See, this is because of idiots like that that I didn't want to let anyone else but me tell you." 

"Heda!" Titus snapped. 

Costia and Clarke shared a smile when Lexa raised a hand to order his silence. "What do you want me to do, she's right. We've got to proceed carefully in this, be clever about it, not rush into a fight we're not sure we'll win. Who taught me cunning and politics, again? Don't let your feelings interfere, Titus." 

Later that day, Lexa addressed her people from a lower balcony, and her decisions were cheered on by the assembled crowd, effectively proving Titus wrong and reassuring Lexa that she still had their faith. Clarke too had faith that they could settle this peacefully. That she had some time in front of her to relax while others dealt with their own shit. 

It wasn't really in Octavia's plans, though, as she tried her level best to convince her to come back. She wanted her to run for chancellor, but no way! Clarke had had enough of power. Lexa might say that she was a born leader, but she had a choice, and she chose to take the way out. Ambassador suited her well enough. But even when she'd convinced Octavia that it was not a good idea; that she would not change her mind on the subject, Octavia still insisted that she come and help in the proceedings. Not only had she a voice amongst the "delinquents", but she had saved a number of these people's children. She was not Wanheda to them, but a lot still felt like they owed her. In Octavia's mind, it was her duty to use that leverage to prevent a second Pike being elected. Besides, she could attest to the Commander's good faith, and as she was the one who had been most personally betrayed by Lexa (she hated that Octavia had to remind her, but she was right. And very perceptive, too), she was most likely to be believed.

So, Clarke had to go. It was not just that Octavia would never let it go if she didn't. She was right, she needed to do what she could. She might want to act selfishly for once, but she'd never forgive herself if she didn't try her best to avoid her people's eradication - as guilty as some of them were. 

She had not realised before she decided to leave just how much she did not want to; just how much she wanted to stay with Lexa and Costia - to figure things out. She hadn't thought of it like that - as figuring things out. They never had had the time - and then they'd had all the time in the world. But now that she was leaving, and even with hopes of coming back she did not know when - she felt like that time was taken away from her, and she was up against the wall. But she wanted to know where she stood before she left - she wanted to know what really were their feelings, what they wanted if they ever could get it - only that was not something she could ask on their doorstep, as she was leaving indefinitely. Did she want to risk that - or did she want to wonder forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short update this time, but I already have the next planned out and started, so you can look forward to that :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me
> 
> (okay, I'm gonna warn you even if it spoils the fun for some: this is this AU's version of 307 from here onwards, jsyk if that's triggering to you. But I'll keep my promises, don't worry, and I've already got next chapter written so I'll post it reaaally soon)

It's with a heavy heart and a busy mind that Clarke finally came out of her room to go say her goodbyes to Costia and Lexa. Octavia would be waiting for her in the tavern just outside the tower, where she'd promised to meet up with her. She had some time, though, and she planned to use it to have that discussion with Lexa and Costia - a discussion that, if she were honest with herself, they should have had a long time ago. But it may well be the last time she saw them for months, and there was no delaying anymore.

Only when Clarke turned around from closing the door, her thoughts were abruptly stopped by the sight in front of her. Was that Murphy? Chained to a pallet of some kind? What the fuck was he doing here, last she heard he had left Arkadia with Jaha and died out there... Better yet, who put him here? There was no way anyone could walk past the guards... unless they were with them. 

All these thoughts rushed through her head as she went forward to free him, ungag him, to know what the hell was going on. His face was covered in blood and bruises, as if he'd been tortured. He sure didn't look good. His eyes were wild with panic. 

"Clarke, run, he's gonna kill you" he whispered, voice hoarse, as soon as she took the gag off.

"What? who?"

That's when a shot echoed through the room, and Clarke ducked behind the relative security of the pallet as she tried to both see who it was and untie Murphy.

"Who is it?!" she whispered as Murphy crouched next to her. 

"Bald asshole, know him?"

"Titus!" she called for him, just as he rounded the side of the pallet and they had to run to the other side before he could aim. Clarke was glad Grounders had such a disgust for guns that he probably never learned to aim. "What the fuck are you _doing_?!" she yelled at him.

"Getting rid of you, what do you think." His voice was as cold as usual, emotionless. He'd have no qualms killing her. Good thing his aim sucked, yeah.

"You'll never get away with it!"

"You think?" he taunted her, slowly circling the room same time as her and Murphy. "It'll just look like your friend here did it. Revenge, and all that. No-one'd be surprised that you barbarians killed each other."

"If you think Lexa will let you—"

He squeezed the trigger, effectively cutting her short as she dodged. Tried to look around for some weapon. They were two against one, after all, they could overpower him if they worked together. Or at least stall long enough for Lexa's guards to hear the noise and arrive. Damn her for insisting she didn't need anyone sitting in front of her door 24/7 thankyouverymuch! 

Another shot, and another. They'd done another circle around the room, as she tried to plead with Titus. Why had she kept Roan's knife in her room again, instead of having it with her at all times?

"Maybe we can make for the door, if you get him talking, distract him," Murphy suggested. 

She pushed herself up from behind the pallet where they'd been hiding again, hands in the air. 

"Okay, Titus, maybe we can talk this through. Find a solution. I was leaving anyways, you know, so. Your Commander'll be safe with me." She talked slowly. He was trigger-happy, and above all he was anxious, she could see his hand trembling. _I've lived through worse assassination attempts_ , she told herself, but the pep talk wasn't quite cutting it. 

"uh uh uh uh," he just said as she was standing a couple feet in front of the door, you're not getting away with it so easily!"

He straightened his arms again, ready to shoot.

"Wait!" Clarke could only beg.

The door behind her opened just as he fired, with Lexa, coming in sword blazing, Costia at her heels. No-one had ever told her, you don't bring a sword to a gun fight. Clarke turned around at the noise, and when she saw Lexa, she thought for a second that that was it, she was safe. But then Lexa looked down at her stomach, in pain. There was blood. Her sword clattered to the floor at the same time as Titus's gun.


	10. Chapter 10

Costia realised what happened and came up behind Lexa to help her stand. Not letting panic set in, she helped Lexa to Clarke's room and made her lie down. She checked on her quickly, and after offering reassurance that it may look bad but she wouldn't let her die, she went back to the other room. Titus had obviously panicked upon seeing what he'd done, and whoever the other man was whom Clarke seemed to know, he took advantage of that to overpower him and tie him up to... What exactly had happened in Clarke's antechamber? There was some kind of pallet, and ropes... But she'd had time to figure that out later, she thought as she grabbed Clarke. She'd need all the help she could get to save Lexa, and if Titus was waving a gun around, he definitely wasn't gonna be that help. Not that she'd ever trusted him, but this was still a blow. She was glad he was tied up. Clarke's friend was holding Lexa's sword to his neck for now, and if he weren't doing that, Costia might have picked it up and sliced Titus's throat herself without further ado. She focused on Clarke instead: there was much to do, and very little time.

"Go get the guards!" 

Clarke evidently wanted to stay with Lexa, and was looking towards her room, not quite sure what to do with herself, so Costia added, "They'll know you, not like your friends here, they won't kill you on sight! Make them get the best healers in town, I'm not sure we can do this on our own. And they'll have to get Titus, I don't want him around while we work." She thought back to the last time Lexa almost died on her, and Titus was more preoccupied with getting that damn chip in her neck than with saving her, and she shuddered.

"Work?"

"We'll have to operate, Clarke, the bullet is still inside. She won't make it otherwise. I'll need medicine to dull the pain, and sharp instruments. Tell them to get that for me, they'll know. And water and clean towels! Just tell them! And come back - she'd want you to be here. I want you to be here. Help me save her!" 

Costia was practically pleading, now, her hand on Clarke's arm. Clarke squeezed it, and rushed out in search of the Commander's Guards, wherever they could be hiding. she hoped they weren't on Titus's side and wouldn't try to kill her, a thought that had escaped her when she saw Costia so desperate and Lexa clearly in danger.

She found some of them in front of Lexa's and Costia's door, at the opposite side of the floor, weapons drawn. They did not relax when they saw her approach, but at least they made no move to hurt her. She didn't wait to catch her breath before she explained the situation. Their captain barked orders, dividing Costia's commands amongst them, then rushed with Clarke towards her apartments to deal with Titus. As they ran, Clarke barely keeping up and him barely out of breath, he quickly explained that they'd heard the gunshots and looked to defend Lexa's rooms, where she was supposed to be. Before Clarke could observe that they were terrible guards to protect an empty room, he added that the ones who first arrived and didn't check that she was there would be in trouble.

When they reached her antechamber and the captain pointed his sword at Murphy, she realised that in her haste she'd forgotten to mention him.

"He's with me!" she yelled, hoping that Murphy wouldn't break her trust on this one. "Titus had him prisoner, he wanted to scapegoat him for my murder!" She sighed as the captain relaxed, and moved towards the Flamekeeper. "I don't have time for this shit!" and rushed towards her room, where Costia was holding Lexa's hand and trying to calm her. She seemed delirious, sweat covered her brow, and for now all Costia could have done was to bandage the wound while she waited for the proper tools to arrive. Servants were already coming in with bowls and wet towels, and Clarke took one as she approached the bed, to wipe the sweat off Lexa's brow and keep the fever low.

"I swear, Lex, I will kill him myself!" Costia muttered. "And shut up, too, I'm not letting you die! I'll go to hell and fetch you back myself if I have to."

Lexa smiled at them both through the pain. "My spirit would live on..." She saw their glares and amended: "But I've got the two best healers in the Twelve Clans with me, so that won't happen." 

She was clearly saying that to reassure them more than herself, but Clarke considered it a small victory that they managed to make her think positively. Sometimes all it took to tip the scales in a hopeless case was some hope. And it was just a bullet, she told herself. She'd done worse operations. There had been poisoned spears and infected chest wounds... Here they had the best skills of the Clans in Polis; medicine and sharp surgical tools, and Costia of them all was reputed to be the best, the one who took on the worst cases and succeeded. Lexa would be okay. She had to! 

It did help that Costia was keeping her calm somewhat - Clarke had no idea how she did that, because she was herself very close to freaking out, but her presence was grounding. And it seemed to help Lexa keep off the dark thoughts too. 

Costia's kit arrived straight from their rooms, but the other healers were still far from there, and Costia did not want to wait any longer. 

"Alright, we're doing this." She poured some powder in a ceramic glass, added some water and made Lexa drink it. "No protesting, I'm not having you entirely conscious throughout."

Lexa was still strong, though, and well awake in spite of the pain, that probably would have made anyone else faint. She gripped both their hands. "If I don't make it..." 

"This won't happen I tell you!" Costia almost shouted, tears now streaming down her face, finally losing her resolve in the face of Lexa's conviction that she wouldn't make it. 

Lexa squeezed her hand tighter. "Still, if I don't. You have to promise me you'll do what is right. Protect the spirits of the ancestors. Both of you." She looked into Clarke's eyes, who was now very confused, as well as trying not to shatter in pieces. 

"What's going on? Lexa, are you... Is she hallucinating." 

"No, but no time for explanations," Costia straightened up. "We'll talk about it after. Once Lexa wakes up." She added forcefully. 

"A wise woman once helped me to see that emotions aren't weaknesses. So if this is the last thing I say—" She pressed a finger to Costia's lips before she could protest. She was slowly losing consciousness from Costia's potion, and she hated not feeling in control enough. She hated that it might be her last moments and she may not have time to say what she wanted. That she might die in her sleep while they were trying to save her and she could not say anything to ease the pain "No, let me finish. We both know operations are dangerous. And if I die, I want you to know-" She looked between them with eyes that were becoming veiled. "I love you, both of you." 

When she passed out right after saying that, Clarke almost panicked, but Costia put her hands on her shoulders. "Look at me! It's normal, it's the medicine - she's still breathing, look! Now we can operate and she won't suffer. We got to do this now, we don't have much time, we don't know how much damage there is - are you with me? Will you be able to focus?"

Clarke nodded. 

"Alright. Then let's make sure her trust wasn't misguided."


	11. Chapter 11

Hours of strained, stressful work later, Lexa was sewn up, and although her breathing was shallow, and they had almost lost her twice, and they were both drained of all energy, as they fell in each other's arms, congratulating each other for making it through and saving Lexa. It was never said, but they both knew how much they both loved her.

Despite the servants' and other doctors' admonitions, neither of them wanted to rest, or even leave for a second before Lexa woke up and they knew she was alright. They would not let her out of their sight. Hands quickly washed cleaned in a basin, they both sat down at lexa's side, next to each other, holding each other's and Lexa's hands, whispering, not quite sure to whom, that they were here and were not leaving. 

Eventually, exhaustion took over, and when Lexa came to, and struggle to sit up with her mind still fuzzy, she saw Costia and Clarke asleep on each other's shoulder. She was tired, however, and in pain, her mind clouded still by what Costia had made her drink she did not know how many hours ago, so she let herself fall asleep again to this sight. 

The next time, she woke up from a nightmare that had her covered in sweat and found them both there for her, wiping the sweat from her brow. She did not know what was going on, only that they looked worried, and that she herself couldn't quite shake the dread that had settled on her in her sleep. But Clarke was whispering reassuring words to her, and Lexa let it lull her back to sleep. She missed the worried looks Clarke and Costia exchanged as they tried to lower her fever. 

When she woke up later, she felt considerably more conscious, less hazy. Pain seared in her belly, but she had been hurt before, she could deal with that.  Especially since Clarke and Costia were the only ones around, and she didn't need to put on her Commander façade for them. They were sitting on the floor next to each other, backs to the bed, in silence, and realised she was awake only once she tried moving to reach a hand to their shoulder and winced in pain. Maybe she should not try lying on her side for a while. 

She remembered clearly what had happened to her, and had lots of questions to ask them, but clearly she'd have to wait, as Clarke and Costia went through with asking her how she felt and how high the pain was, and checking her pulse and making sure she had no trouble breathing, and while she'd seen Costia at least go through this with numerous patients, she could see that the care they put into it was more than professional. She remembered their last exchange, and blushed. She must have given them such a scare! Clarke was still a big unknown, but she knew at least how much she meant to Costia, and knew that had not she been shot already, Costia might have punched her for being so dark and insisting she was going to die. 

She remembered her last words, too, and knew they'd have to talk about it some time soon. But for now, she decided she was happy just letting them take care of her for a while. She did not have energy for much else, if she was being honest with herself, and there would be no point in insisting she could go back directly to her duty. Not only would she be unable to, but her two very lovely doctors would insist that she stick to her bed for a while longer. 

"Listen, you can go, I'll live," she eventually told them when she saw neither was really getting any sleep, only drifting off now and then in an armchair, or in Costia's case huddled next to her on the big bed. Clarke's bed. Lexa noticed her look at them with a mixture of warmth and envy in these cases, and she had to resist beckoning her to join them. They _would_ have to have that talk, sooner than later. And yet Lexa had no clue how to do that. She probably wouldn't have admitted to anything like feelings if she weren't drugged up, in mind-numbing pain, and thinking she was dying... though she in no way regretted it. 

"We almost lost you!" Costia complained, "we're not going anywhere!"

But Lexa caught her weird look towards Clarke - something that seemed like "we're not, are we?", and she had to ask, "what's going on here?"

"Nothing," Clarke quickly answered, sitting on the bed next to her. "O  wanted me to go to Arkadia, try to change some minds for the elections. I was gonna go... but then this happened."

"So you're leaving." She tried to hide the pain, to ignore how it made her stomach churn, but she was probably doing a terrible job of it. 

"No! You don't get it, I... They've made a mess, Lex, and I wasn't there to stop them. But you told me yourself, they wouldn't have listened either way... I'd have gone if it weren't for... this." She motioned vaguely around the room and at Lexa. "I wanted to be able to tell myself I tried all I could. Even if it didn't do much. But then you almost died and... I couldn't go. And if they elect a new chancellor as bad as the last, it's on them. I don't belong there anymore anyways. I hope if that happens you'll welcome my friends into Trikru anyways, because it's not their fault - let the people who want nothing to do with Pike and the like be able to take your side. But I trust whatever you do. You're a good leader, Lex, the best chance Skaikru had - I tried to tell them that already, and they didn't listen. But I chose you. And I chose to stay. Because I'm not sure what I'm doing here but I know you matter more to me than all these stupid politics, and I had to be there when you woke up. I'm not going anywhere."

Lexa reached over to take her hand, and Clarke looked down at their linked hands, a small, emotional smile forming on her features. Lexa smiled at Costia, who came to sit right behind Clarke and put her hands on her shoulders, head resting on one of them. 

Softly, Costia said, "You're welcome to stay with us for as long as you like, Clarke."

Clarke sighed, leaning against Costia slightly. "I just. I need to know what we're doing."

"I don't know, what do you want to do, Clarke?" 

Lexa nodded in agreement with Costia. Whatever both of them wanted - she wanted Clarke to be with them, she wanted her to share in everything, to be able to show her how much she cared about her, to learn all the little things there were to know about Clarke, to share in her happiness and be there for her grief, like she did with Costia, and she knew Costia wanted the same - none of it mattered against Clarke's wishes. 

Clarke blinked, then frowned. 

"Are you okay?" Lexa asked, squeezing her hand a bit.

"Yeah, I ... I just realised no-one's asked me that before."

"It's okay, you can take your time," Costia answered, setting aside her sudden wish to punch everyone who'd ever mistreated her before, a wish she also shared with Lexa. 

"No, no. I know what I want. It's just. Well, you're already together, and... that's just not... not done? I can't just have both of you, and I don't want to break you apart, or get between you, or..."

"I'm the commander, remember?" Lexa tried to smile, to quiet Clarke's discomfort, as Costia tried to rub her shoulders in a soothing way. "I don't have to do what's "done", or not. Titus wanted me to, and see where that led us. Trust me - I struggled to be with Costia, to be able to stay with her, be openly with her - but now people are used to it. Hell, they love it, and they love her! And I would do it all over again for the love and the joy it brought me." She coughed, unused to being so open about her feelings. "I'd do it all over again for you. So what if we're three - so long as it suits us all, so long as we're clear on what we want. People'll just have to deal with it."

The kiss that followed took Lexa by surprise, and left her breathless, with tears on her cheeks she did not care to hold back. There was just her, and Costia and Clarke, after all, and she trusted them both with her life, as she did with her heart. When Clarke pulled back, they were both smiling, and so was Costia, who teasingly enjoined them not to get carried over too much. 

"Leave that for when the patient has recovered," Costia winked. And _she_  was the one to initiate the next kiss with Clarke, feeling like she had to show her just how much she wanted this too, seeing as she hadn't said much yet. She was usually the one who talked, the one who liked to get to the bottom of things and express her feelings to the best of her abilities, but in this moment she felt like what Clarke needed most was proximity, and physical proof that all of this was real, that she was not just dreaming or misinterpreting things. And Costia had wanted to kiss her for so long, too, she could not quite refrain herself after seeing her and Lexa kiss. 

As Lexa watched them, pride and arousal mixed in with a warmer, more tender feeling in her chest. These were the two women she loved. They were here, they loved each other - loved her - wanted nothing more than to stay at her side and take care of her. The world outside was harsh, and in the morning she would have to see to the death of her oldest counsellor, her mentor. They would have to go through a lot more sorting out the Skaikru problems. They might even die in the process, Lexa was no dreamer, she knew, and what had just happened made it all the more real, that it could happen. But that was tomorrow. For now, she would heal, and enjoy what little respite she could get. And make sure her two women knew how much she cared about them. And there would no doubt be more talking, there was still a lot to figure out - but she had a feeling they would make this work. And whatever, or whoever, would come at them next, they'd face it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooh! That's it, folks! I thought I'd still need a few more chapters to resolve this, but it unfolded like that as I wrote, and I thought it was a nice way to end it after all!
> 
> Many thanks for reading it, and leaving all these comments and kudos, they warm my little heart! Big thanks especially to tveckling, RatherCharmingVermin, and Grizzly, for bearing with me through writer's block and offering valuable suggestions, and kicking my ass back to work when I needed it! 
> 
> Also, as a side note, I'll be taking fic prompts from the [Dare To Write Challenge ](inkstay.tumblr.com/post/143937584209/dare-to-write-challenge) on my tumblr in November, so feel free to send me some then!

**Author's Note:**

> this author feeds on comments, please send some to make sure no starvation keeps the writing away :)


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